I sincerely believe that the best thing I can do for my teeth is drink copious amounts of artificially fluoridated water, cook food with fluoridated water in Teflon-coated pots and pans, wash my clothes in fluoridated water, take showers with fluoridated water, eat processed foods made with fluoridated water, irrigated with fluoridated water, fertilised with superphosphate contaminated with fluoride, and sprayed with fluoride pesticides, use extra strength fluoridated toothpaste, fluoridated mouthwash, and fluoridated dental floss, have my teeth treated with fluoride varnish and fluoride gel, take fluoride tablets or fluoride drops or fluoridated salt or fluoridated milk each and every day I do not believe I am getting enough fluoride, and if I am unlucky enough to need any fillings despite my fluoride devotion, all dental materials (i.e. any bonding agents, liners, glass ionomers, composites, or cements) used will have added fluoride. If I am lucky enough to be given another fluorinated anaesthetic or other fluorinated drug which releases free fluoride ions in my body, well that will just be an extra special bonus. The best thing of all is that fluoride is cumulative, so a large proportion of the fluoride I consume will never leave me; my devotion is reciprocated. If anyone knows of any other artificially fluoridated products please let me know, because I wouldn’t want to miss out. I believe the reason there are so many fluoride products, at very reasonable prices, is the enormous love dentists, public health officials, politicians, and phosphate fertiliser companies have for strangers’ teeth. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that phosphate fertiliser companies can’t get rid of enough of the shit, or that it is often toxic to teeth and other parts of the body.