The braindead parrot sketch

A citizen enters a politician’s office, dragging a notorious fluoridationist by the beak.
Citizen: ’Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The politician does not respond.)
Citizen: ’Ello, Miss?
Pollytician: What do you mean “Miss”?
Citizen: Oh I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Pollytician: Sorry, we’re closin’ for lunch.
Citizen: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what you sold to me and the other voters half a year ago from this very bureau.
Pollytician: Oh yes, the, the New Zealand Blue. What’s wrong with it?
Citizen: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. It’s braindead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Pollytician: No, no, it’s resting, look!
Citizen: Look, my lad, I know a braindead parrot when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Pollytician: No no it’s not braindead, it’s restin’ its brain!
Citizen: Resting?
Pollytician: Remarkable bird, the New Zealand Blue. Beautiful dentition idn’it?
Citizen: The dentition don’t enter into it… I didn’t know parrots had dentition.
Pollytician: Well there you go, that proves it.
Citizen: Proves what?
Pollytician: That its teeth are perfect. If they weren’t, you would’ve noticed by now.
Citizen: Teeth or no teeth, its brain is dead. It can’t even manage “Polly wants a cracker” no matter ’ow much training it gets… (politician pokes the parrot)
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
Pollytician: There, it spoke!
Citizen: Yes, it spoke, but that’s all it ever says.
(pokes the parrot)
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
(citizen pokes the parrot again)
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
(citizen pokes the parrot a third time)
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
Citizen: (to the parrot) What is your response to the charge that fluoridation of public water supplies is actually really quite nasty indeed, on account of being SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, and more neverending goddamn SPAM, straight into people’s homes, straight into their bones, and straight into every other bit of ’em whether they like it or not it?
Fluoridation parrot: (scratches its head with its right wing before answering while flapping its wings) The dose makes the poison!
Citizen: That’s a new one. It don’t answer the question I just asked, but tell me this. How much accumulated fluoride in the body is safe?
Fluoridation parrot: (flies in something resembling a figure 8 pattern making aeroplane noises before announcing its reply while flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
(pause)
Citizen: Polly wants a cracker.
(pause)
Citizen: Polly wants a cracker.
(pause)
Citizen: POLLY… WANTS… A… CRACKER
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
Citizen: (shouting at the fluoridation parrot) ’Ello, Doctor Polly Pollyanna Parrot! Safe and effective, safe and effective, SAFE AND EFFECTIVE…
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
Citizen: Now that’s what I call a braindead parrot.
Pollytician: It’s a fluoridation expert. That’s what they say.
Citizen: So you say. You sold it to us as a fluoridation expert ’alf a year ago, but you just admitted it’s a parrot.
Pollytician: That’s right.
Citizen: So is it an expert or a parrot?
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
Pollytician: Yes.
Citizen: Yes?!? It can’t be both. Which is it?
Pollytician: It is both. What do you ’ave against parrots?
Citizen: I don’t ’ave anything against parrots, but… it’s a bloody braindead parrot. It wouldn’t know fluoridation from a mole in the hole. It’s not resting its weary cranium, it’s out to lunch. This parrot is not here! It’s lobotomised. Inside this blue-feathered noggin is frozen eggnog. It’s parrot pack ice. Within that skull, all roads lead to Nowhereville. The central processing unit has a one hertz cuckoo clock, and is compatible solely with soggy IBM postcards. The pilot and co-pilot threw off the goggles and bailed out in tandem at 12,000 feet, without a parachute. Bereft of brain, this big blue budgie festers in bliss. It floats on an updraught of daft. It don’t just have one screw loose, it’s entirely screwless and clueless from ear’ole to downy ear’ole! At dental school its grey matter got pushed off the twig, ran down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT, NOT AN EX-PERT!
(pause)
Pollytician: This one’s a soil scientist. Thinks teeth, bones and rocks are all the same, don’t you sweetie?
(strokes the parrot under the chin)
Did one of ’em bust your nuts? Some of them like nuts, others prefer seed. They’re all individuals.
Fluoridation parrot: I’m not.
(pause)
(politician and citizen look at the parrot, and then back at each other)
Pollytician: Any’ow, you’ve been goin’ about it all wrong. Allow me to demonstrate. Ask me a question.
Citizen: Why are you lying to the people?
Pollytician: Not that kind of question. Ask me someth’n’ about fluoridation.
Citizen: So you’re the fluoridation expert now, are you? Alright then. I know there is no real evidence for safety, but you try to make out it’s safe simply because it’s a naturally occurring element. Lead, arsenic, and mercury are naturally occurring elements, matey. Additionally, the fluoride concentration of fluoridated water in comparison with that of breastmilk is decidedly unnatural, and fluoride is a developmental neurotoxicant. What the fluoride are you doing?
Pollytician: I love the taste of mercury on my muesli in the morning. It’s 100% naturally nutritious too.
Fluoridation parrot: I love the taste of mercury on my muesli in the morning. (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
Pollytician: What did I tell you? It’s not braindead, you just ’ave to ask the right questions! It’s a beautiful bird, lovely dentition!
Citizen: It just parroted what you said! Maybe it can say more than “safe and effective” but what good is it? It’s still a parrot, not an expert. And you’re as mad as a hatter!
Pollytician: Well, o’course it parroted what I said! It’s a parrot. You said so yourself. What’s with this lack of faith in parrotkind you ’ave? You know, not only can parrots be eggspurts, they make the best eggspurts. This one once flew to the top of Mount Cook, stood on its ’ead, and fired its oblong arse cannon so high the man in the moon literally had egg on ’is face.
Citizen: Um… now look… now look, mate, I’ve definitely ’ad enough of this. Parrots are parrots, and experts are experts. The only thing a parrot will ever be an expert in is being a parrot…
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
Citizen: … and all of the so-called fluoridation experts are either parrots or barking mad. The 2015 Cochrane review of fluoridation found that 97% of the included studies were at high risk of bias.
Pollytician: 97% of studies without high risk of bias is excellent.
Citizen: It was 97% with high risk of bias. That leaves 3% of the studies.
Pollytician: Well, 3% isn’t bad. It’s a start.
Citizen: That 3% were accounted for by studies on dental fluorosis, not dental caries. That leaves zero studies on dental caries without high risk of bias, so you don’t have any real evidence for efficacy either.
Pollytician: As I was saying, parrots make the best experts because they say what they are told to say. Do you have any idea ’ow ’elpful that is?
Citizen: I’m gettin’ an inkling, but I don’t care how helpful it is to you! As I was saying, there is no credible evidence that fluoridation is either safe or effective. The parrots are flying blind!
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
Pollytician: That’s right. I can’t argue with that.
Citizen: You’ll be endin’ fluoridation then?
Pollytician: No, no… No, we need more research. The experts are just warming up.
Citizen: WARMING UP?!?
Pollytician: They’re probably pining for Mordor.
Citizen: PININ’ for MORDOR?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? There’s no sheep in Mordor. And they’ve had more than seventy frigid friggin’ years to warm up! Look matey, these galahs wouldn’t warm up if you threw ’em in a six thousand degrees Celsius pit of molten metal. They wouldn’t warm up if you threw ’em in a six thousand six hundred degrees Celsius pit of molten magma. They wouldn’t warm up if you threw ’em in a six thousand six hundred and sixty six degrees Celsius pit of molten motherfuckers. These winged weasels aren’t just nippy, they’re bleedin’ permafrost!
Pollytician: Sheep, orcs, what’s the difference? Any’ow, there’s plenty of sheep ’ere. Otherwise I’d be out o’ business, I mean office. And you can ’ardly blame the New Zealand Blues for not wanting to get hot and bothered with excessive research. It’s eternal winter on the glaciers in the land of the long white cloud.
Citizen: What would it take to change your mind, then?
Pollytician: What’s it worth?
Citizen: What d’you mean “What’s it worth?”.
Pollytician: Are you about to pull a brown paper bag from your hat? Nudge nudge wink wink.
Citizen: I’m not wearing a hat.
Pollytician: Is that a brown paper bag up your sleeve? Nudge nudge wink wink saynomore.
Citizen: If it’s money you want, I don’t ’ave the kind of cash you’re looking for. If it’s crack cocaine you’re after, there’s lumps of it ’round the back. Or so I’ve heard. Would anything else change your mind?
(pause)
Pollytician: If the CDC gave the word, that would probably do it.
Citizen: You mean in the US?
Pollytician: I call it the HQ.
Citizen: Do you ’ave any gaffer tape?
Pollytician: (he takes a quick peek behind the desk)
Sorry guv, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, I mean office, and uh, we’re right out of gaffer tape.
Citizen: (leans over the desk, opens the top drawer, and takes out a roll of gaffer tape)
Pollytician: Uh, what are you doing?
Fluoridation parrot: (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
Citizen: A public service. Watch and learn.
(he wraps the roll of gaffer tape around the fluoridation parrot, covering the mouth and beak and going around the back of the head)
Citizen: Do you ’ave any more gaffer tape?
Pollytician: (he takes a quick peek behind the desk)
Sorry guv, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, I mean office, and uh, we’re right out o’ gaffer tape.
Citizen: (leans over the desk and takes a second roll of gaffer tape from the top drawer, which is used to completely cover the fluoridation parrot’s head and face with tape)
Safe and effective! The US, eh? Very well.

A desert island (not New Zealand or Mordor)

The citizen leaves.
The citizen enters another office.

Citizen: This is the US?
Oral Health Division supremo: Eh?… Oh, yes, yes it is. The greatest country on Earth! (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
Citizen: I wish to complain about fluoridation, Oral Health Division Kingpin.
Oral Health Division supremo: Fluoridation is one of the 10 great public health achievements of the 20th century. (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
Citizen: So what would it take for you to bin it?
Oral Health Division supremo: We are binning it. It’s toxic waste. What else are we supposed to do with it? (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
Citizen: You know what I meant. What would it take for the fluoride waste to be disposed of properly?
Oral Health Division supremo: You’d have to drag me flapping and screeching into the 21st century. (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
Citizen: So what are the chances of you bein’ dragged flappin’ and screechin’ into the 21st century?
Oral Health Division supremo: No chance at all. You can speak to my Siamese twin brother at the ADA if it makes you feel better. (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
The citizen leaves.
The citizen enters another office.
Citizen: What would it take for you to bin fluoridation, American Dental Association Big Cheese?
ADA supremo: (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
Citizen: You must know as well as I do that it’s neither safe nor effective.
ADA supremo: (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
Citizen: Do you ’ave any gaffer tape?
ADA supremo: (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
(citizen leans over the desk and opens the top drawer, but it is full of birdseed, so he leaves)
Citizen: (to the ADA supremo’s secretary) All I could get out of Polly was “safe and effective” and the odd squawk.
ADA supremo’s secretary: He’s a fluoridation expert. That’s what they say.
Citizen: Is there anyone else I can speak to?
ADA supremo’s secretary: Have you tried the EPA?
The citizen leaves.
The citizen enters another office.
Citizen: The 12 member committee which produced the 2006 National Research Council report Fluoride in Drinking Water: A Scientific Review of EPA’s Standards unanimously recommended that EPA’s maximum contaminant level goal of 4 mg/L be lowered because it don’t protect against adverse health effects. What’ve you been doin’ since then?
EPA supremo: Goddammit, not another fluoridation fighter with the facts! Do you know what would happen if we did our jobs properly and reduced the maximum contaminant level goal to zero? The politicians, the CDC, the dental industry, the phosphate industry and the sugar lobby would all be on my back. I’d be in a world of shit. Now F off or I’ll call the cops!
Citizen: Well, FU2, subzero IQ HQ!… BLOODY YANKEE BASTARDS!
The citizen leaves.
The citizen enters the first politician’s office, along with a group of about 20 fellow citizens and a camera. They are wearing wetsuits. The fluoridation parrot is still there, sans gaffer tape.
Citizen: ’Ello again pollies.
Pollytician: Been engaging in some watersport, ’ave we?
Citizen: What’s that in the future tense, then?
Pollytician: You’ll be engagin’ in some watersport, will you?
Citizen: Correct. Say seed.
(the group of citizens take buckets of fluoridated water from behind their backs and throw them over the politician and the fluoridation parrot, and the first citizen takes a photo)
Citizen: Consider that a topical fluoride treatment.
Pollytician: It’s wasted on the bird. The New Zealand Blues don’t have any teeth.
Citizen: You’ll have to pay for it any’ow, like we’ve ’ad to pay for the fluoridation treatment what we don’t like. The dentition don’t enter into it.
Pollytician: (he takes a quick peek behind the desk)
Sorry guv, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, I mean office, and uh, we’re right out o’ cash.
(pause)

No I’m sorry, I’m not prepared to accommodate this line of inquiry any longer as I think this sketch is becoming the silliest thing in the world.
Citizen: Don’t be silly, nothin’s sillier than fluoridation.
Pollytician: You’ve got me there.
Fluoridation parrot: (stamping foot and flapping its wings) Safe and effective!

More Monty
THE FLUORIDEHACK SONG

WHAT D’YOU MEAN UUUGGGH? I DON’T LIKE FLUORIDE!

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF SHIT

POLLY POLLYANNA

or something completely different