Uncle SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM… SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM

Cut to a cafe. All the customers are parrots. Mr and Mrs Bun enter – downwards (on wires)

Mr Bun

Morning

Waitress

Morning

Mr Bun

What have you got, then?

Waitress

Well, there’s cereal and milk; cereal sausage and milk; cereal with fluoride; cereal, milk with fluoride; cereal, milk, sausage with fluoride; fluoride, milk, sausage with fluoride; fluoride, cereal, fluoride, fluoride, milk with fluoride; fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, cereal with fluoride; fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, soup, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride with fluoride; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried hamster on top with fluoride.

Mrs Bun

Have you got anything without fluoride in it?

Waitress

Well, there’s fluoride cereal sausage with fluoride, that’s not got much fluoride in it.

Mrs Bun

I don’t want ANY fluoride!

Mr Bun

Everything has some fluoride. It’s natural.

Mrs Bun

So is uranium. And fluoride cereal sausage with fluoride has added fluoride. That isn’t natural.

Mr Bun

Not as much fluoride or uranium as uranium hexafluoride.

Mrs Bun

Look, could I have cereal, milk, fluoride and sausage without any added fluoride?

Waitress

Uuuuuuggggh!

Mrs Bun

What d’you mean uuugggh? I don’t like fluoride!

parrots

(singing) fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride… fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride… lovely fluoride, wonderful fluoride…
Brief stock shot of a parrot (i.e. hexafluorosilicic acid) tanker.

Waitress

Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have cereal, milk, fluoride and sausage without the added fluoride.

Mrs Bun

Why not!

Waitress

No, we’d need a different water supply, wouldn’t we? Would you like SPAM with your fluoride?

Mrs Bun

I don’t like fluoride!

Mr Bun

Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your fluoride. I love it. I’m having fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride…

parrots

(singing) fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride…

Mr Bun

… soup, fluoride, fluoride with fluoride.

Waitress

Soup is off.

Mr Bun

Well can I have fluoride instead?

Waitress

You mean fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride?

parrots

(still singing) fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride… (etc.)

Mr Bun

Yes.

Waitress

Arrggh!

parrots

… lovely fluoride, wonderful, fluoride.

Waitress

Shut up! Shut up!
The parrots shut up momentarily. Enter the Hungarian.

Hungarian

Great boobies, honeybun, my lower intestine is full of fluoride, cereal, fluoride, milk, fluoride, tomato, fluoride…

parrots

(starting up again) fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride…

Waitress

Shut up
A policeman rushes in and bundles the Hungarian out.

Hungarian

My nipples explode…
Cut to a historian.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘A HISTORIAN’

Historian

Another great parrot victory was at the Green Midget cafe at Grand Rapids. Once again the parrot strategy was the same. They drove from this phosphate fertiliser factory here, (indicating a map with arrows on it) assembled at the Grand Rapids water treatment plant, whence they took their first dump on January 25th 1945. Then they assembled in the Green Midget cafe to gloat with fluoride selecting a fluoride particular fluoride item from the fluoride menu would fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride…
The backdrop behind him rises to reveal the cafe again, the parrots start singing again and the historian conducts them.

parrots

(singing) we all drink lots of tea, and there’s nothing wrong with me…

fluoride: the ultimate SPAM

Bonus Limerick

There’s a parrotman called Uncle Sam,
Who’s poisoning us all with F-spam.
So all the sane say mate,
Get that shit off our plate,
We all know it’s a damn F’ing scam.

Postpythonism
BRAINDEAD PARROT
FLUORIDEHACK SONG
BRIGHT SIDE OF SHIT
POLLY POLLYANNA
or

 

something completely different