Uncle SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM… SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM

Cut to a cafe. All the customers are dentists. Mr and Mrs Bun enter – downwards (on wires)

Mr Bun

Morning

Waitress

Morning

Mr Bun

What have you got, then?

Waitress

Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and fluoride; egg, bacon and fluoride; egg, bacon, sausage and fluoride; fluoride, bacon, sausage and fluoride; fluoride, egg, fluoride, fluoride, bacon and fluoride; fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, egg and fluoride; fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, baked beans, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride and fluoride; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and fluoride.

Mrs Bun

Have you got anything without fluoride in it?

Waitress

Well, there’s fluoride egg sausage and fluoride, that’s not got much fluoride in it.

Mrs Bun

I don’t want ANY fluoride!

Mr Bun

Why can’t she have egg, bacon, fluoride and sausage?

Mrs Bun

That’s got fluoride in it!

Mr Bun

Not as much as fluoride, egg, sausage and fluoride.

Mrs Bun

Look, could I have egg, bacon, fluoride and sausage without the fluoride?

Waitress

Uuuuuuggggh!

Mrs Bun

What d’you mean uuugggh? I don’t like fluoride!

dentists

(singing) fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride… fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride… lovely fluoride, wonderful fluoride…
Brief stock shot of a dentist (i.e. hexafluorosilicic acid) tanker.

Waitress

Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have egg, bacon, fluoride and sausage without the fluoride.

Mrs Bun

Why not!

Waitress

No, it wouldn’t be egg, bacon, fluoride and sausage, would it?

Mrs Bun

I don’t like fluoride!

Mr Bun

Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your fluoride. I love it. I’m having fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride…

dentists

(singing) fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride…

Mr Bun

… baked beans, fluoride, fluoride and fluoride.

Waitress

Baked beans are off.

Mr Bun

Well can I have fluoride instead?

Waitress

You mean fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride?

dentists

(still singing) fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride… (etc.)

Mr Bun

Yes.

Waitress

Arrggh!

dentists

… lovely fluoride, wonderful, fluoride.

Waitress

Shut up! Shut up!
The dentists shut up momentarily. Enter the Hungarian.

Hungarian

Great boobies, honeybun, my lower intestine is full of fluoride, egg, fluoride, bacon, fluoride, tomato, fluoride…

dentists

(starting up again) fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride…

Waitress

Shut up
A policeman rushes in and bundles the Hungarian out.

Hungarian

My nipples explode…
Cut to a historian.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘A HISTORIAN’

Historian

Another great dentist victory was at the Green Midget cafe at Grand Rapids. Once again the dentist strategy was the same. They drove from this phosphate fertiliser factory here, (indicating a map with arrows on it) assembled at the Grand Rapids water treatment plant, whence they took their first dump on January 25th. Then they assembled in the Green Midget cafe to gloat and fluoride selecting a fluoride particular fluoride item from the fluoride menu would fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride…
The backdrop behind him rises to reveal the cafe again, the dentists start singing again and the historian conducts them.

dentists

(singing) fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, fluoride, lovely fluoride, wonderful fluoride. Lovely fluoride wonderful fluoride…

fluoride: the ultimate SPAM

Bonus Limerick

There’s a parrotman called Uncle Sam,
Who’s poisoning us all with F-spam.
So all the sane say mate,
Get that shit off our plate,
We all know it’s a damn F’ing scam.

Postpythonism
BRAINDEAD PARROT
FLUORIDEHACK SONG
BRIGHT SIDE OF SHIT
POLLY POLLYANNA
or

 

something completely different