Uncle SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM… SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM

Cut to a cafe. All the customers are parrots. Mr and Mrs Bun enter – downwards (on wires)

Mr Bun

Morning

Waitress

Morning

Mr Bun

What have you got, then?

Waitress

Well, there’s cereal and milk; cereal sausage and milk; cereal with spank; cereal, milk with spank; cereal, milk, sausage with spank; spank, milk, sausage with spank; spank, cereal, spank, spank, milk with spank; spank, spank, spank, cereal with spank; spank, spank, spank, spank, spank, spank, soup, spank, spank, spank with spank; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried hamster on top with spank.

Mrs Bun

What’s spank?

Waitress

It’s fluoride. The socially deprived little kiddies and their parents need a good spanking.

Mrs Bun

Have you got anything without fluoride in it?

Waitress

Well, there’s spank cereal sausage with spank, that’s not got much spank in it.

Mrs Bun

I don’t want ANY spank! Or fluoride!

Mr Bun

Everything has some spank. It’s natural.

Mrs Bun

So is uranium. And spank cereal sausage with spank has added fluoride. That isn’t natural.

Mr Bun

Not as much spank or uranium as uranium hexafluoride.

Mrs Bun

Look, could I have cereal, milk, spank and sausage without any added spank?

Waitress

Uuuuuuggggh!

Mrs Bun

What d’you mean uuugggh? I don’t want spank!

parrots

(singing) spank, spank, spank, spank, spank… spank, spank, spank, spank… lovely spank, wonderful spank…
Brief stock shot of a parrot (i.e. hexafluorosilicic acid) tanker.

Waitress

Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can’t have cereal, milk, spank and sausage without the added spank.

Mrs Bun

Why not!

Waitress

No, we’d need a different water supply, wouldn’t we? Would you like SPAM with your fluoride?

Mrs Bun

I don’t want fluoride!

Mr Bun

Don’t make a fuss, dear. I’ll have your spank. I love it. I’m having spank, spank, spank, spank, spank…

parrots

(singing) spank, spank, spank, spank…

Mr Bun

… soup, spank, spank with spank.

Waitress

Soup is off.

Mr Bun

Well can I have spank instead?

Waitress

You mean spank, spank, spank, spank, spank, spank, spank, spank, spank, spank?

parrots

(still singing) spank, spank, spank, spank…(etc.)

Mr Bun

Yes.

Waitress

Arrggh!

parrots

… lovely spank, wonderful, spank.

Waitress

Shut up! Shut up!
The parrots shut up momentarily. Enter the Hungarian.

Hungarian

Great boobies, honeybun, my lower intestine is full of spank, cereal, spank, milk, spank, tomato, spank…

parrots

(starting up again) spank, spank, spank, spank…

Waitress

Shut up
A policeman rushes in and bundles the Hungarian out.

Hungarian

My nipples explode…
Cut to a historian.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘A HISTORIAN’

Historian

Another great parrot victory was at the Green Midget cafe at Grand Rapids. Once again the parrot strategy was the same. They drove from this phosphate fertiliser factory here, (indicating a map with arrows on it) assembled at the Grand Rapids water treatment plant, whence they took their first dump on January 25th 1945. Then they assembled in the Green Midget cafe to gloat with spank selecting a spank particular spank item from the spank menu would spank, spank, spank, spank, spank…
The backdrop behind him rises to reveal the cafe again, the parrots start singing again and the historian conducts them.

parrots

(singing) we all drink lots of tea, and there’s nothing wrong with me…

fluoride: the ultimate SPAM

Bonus Limerick

There’s a parrotman called Uncle Sam,
Who’s poisoning us all with F-spam.
So all the sane say mate,
Get that shit off our plate,
We all know it’s a damn F’ing scam.