A citizen enters a politician’s office, dragging a notorious fluoridationist by the beak.
JC ’Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(politician does not respond)
’Ello, Mister?
MP What do you mean “Mister”? I practise medicine.
JC Oh I’m sorry, I have a conscience. I wish to make a complaint!
MP Sorry, we’re closin’ for lunch.
JC Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what you sold to me and the other voters half a year ago from this very bureau.
MP Oh yes, the, the New Zealand Blue. What’s wrong with it?
JC I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. It’s braindead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
MP No, no, it’s resting, look!
JC Look, my lad, I know a braindead parrot when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
MP No no it’s not braindead, it’s restin’ its brain!
JC Resting?
MP Remarkable bird, the New Zealand Blue. Beautiful dentition idn’it?
JC The dentition don’t enter into… I didn’t know parrots had dentition.
MP Well there you go, that proves it!
JC Proves what?
MP That its teeth are perfect. If they weren’t, you would’ve noticed by now.
JC Teeth or no teeth, its brain is dead. It can’t even manage “Polly wants a cracker” no matter ’ow much training it gets…
(politician pokes the parrot)
Dr PP (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
MP There, it spoke!
JC Yes, it spoke, but that’s all it ever says. (pokes the parrot)
Dr PP (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
(citizen pokes the parrot again)
(flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
(citizen pokes the parrot a third time)
(flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
JC (to the parrot) What is your response to the charge that fluoridation of public water supplies is really quite nasty indeed, on account of being SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, with bonus SPAM, straight into people’s homes, straight into their bones, and straight into every other bit of ’em whether they like it or not it?
MP (to the parrot, mouthing the words) The dose makes the poison.
Dr PP (scratches its head with its right wing before answering while flapping its wings) The dose makes the safe and effective!
JC That’s a new one. It don’t answer the question I just asked, but tell me this. How much accumulated fluoride in the body is safe?
Dr PP (flies in something resembling a figure 8 pattern making aeroplane noises before announcing its reply while flapping its wings) Safe and effective! (pause)
JC Polly wants a cracker. (pause)
Polly wants a cracker. (pause)
POLLY… WANTS… A… CRACKER
Dr PP (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
JC (shouting at the fluoridation parrot) ’Ello, Doctor Polly Pollyanna Parrot! Safe and effective, safe and effective, SAFE AND EFFECTIVE…
Dr PP (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
JC Now that’s what I call a braindead parrot.
MP It’s a fluoridation expert. That’s what they say.
JC So you say. You sold it to us as a fluoridation expert ’alf a year ago, but you just admitted it’s a parrot.
MP That’s right.
JC So is it an expert or a parrot?
Dr PP (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
MP Yes.
JC Yes?!? It can’t be both. Which is it?
MP It is both. What do you ’ave against birds?
JC I don’t ’ave anything against birds, but… it’s a bloody braindead parrot. It wouldn’t know fluoridation from a mole in the hole. It’s not resting its weary cranium, it’s out to lunch. It’s a ghost town galah, a tinpot trumpeter, a parakeet on repeat. It’s lobotomised. This proselytising puffin is as sharp as soft cushions, as bright as bat caves. Inside its feathery noggin is frozen eggnog. It’s parrot pack ice. Within that chilled brainbox, all woads wead to Wome runways lead to pie in the sky. The pilot and co-pilot threw off the goggles and bailed out in tandem at 12,000 feet, without a parachute. Bereft of brain, this barmy budgie festers in bliss. It drifts on an updraught of daft. It don’t just have one screw loose, it’s entirely screwless and clueless from ear’ole to downy ear’ole! At dental school its grey matter got pushed off the twig, ran down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible! This is an ex-parrot, not an ex-pert!
MP (pause) This one’s a soil scientist. Thinks teeth, bones and rocks are all the same, don’t you sweetie? (strokes the parrot) Did one of ’em bust your nuts? Some of them like nuts, others prefer seed. They’re all individuals.
Dr PP They’re all individuals. (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
MP Any’ow, you’ve been goin’ about it all wrong. Allow me to demonstrate. Ask me a question.
JC Why are you lying to the people?
MP Not that kind of question. Ask me someth’n’ about fluoridation.
JC So you’re the fluoridation expert now, are you? Alright then. I know there is no real evidence for safety, but you try to make out it’s safe simply because it’s a naturally occurring element. Lead, arsenic, and mercury are naturally occurring elements, matey. Additionally, the fluoride concentration of fluoridated water in comparison with that of breastmilk is decidedly unnatural, and fluoride is a developmental neurotoxicant. What the fluoride are you doing?
MP I love the taste of mercury on my muesli in the morning. It’s 100% naturally nutritious too.
Dr PP (flapping its wings) I love the taste of mercury on my muesli in the safe and effective!
MP What did I tell you? It’s not braindead, you just ’ave to ask the right questions! It’s a beautiful bird, lovely dentition!
JC It just parroted what you said, and it couldn’t even get that right! It’s a braindead parrot, not an expert. And you’re as mad as a hatter!
MP Well, o’course it parroted what I said! It’s a parrot. You said so yourself. You know, not only can parrots be eggspurts, they make the best eggspurts. This one once flew to the top of Mount Cook, stood on its ’ead, and fired its oblong arse cannon so high the man in the moon literally had egg on ’is face. That right there is an eggsellent eggsample of this bird’s eggspurtise, my friend. They call ’arry ’ere The Eggspurt Eggspress.
JC Um… now look… now look, mate, I’ve definitely ’ad enough of this. Parrots are parrots, and experts are experts. The only thing a parrot will ever be an expert in is being a parrot…
Dr PP (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
JC … and all of the so-called fluoridation experts are either braindead parrots or barking mad. The 2015 Cochrane review of fluoridation found that 97% of the included studies were at high risk of bias.
MP 97% of studies without high risk of bias is excellent.
JC It was 97% with high risk of bias. That leaves 3% of the studies.
MP Well, 3% isn’t bad. It’s a start.
JC That 3% were accounted for by studies on dental fluorosis, not dental caries. That leaves zero studies on dental caries without high risk of bias, so you don’t have any real evidence for efficacy either.
MP As I was saying, parrots make the best experts because they say what they are told to say. Do you ’ave any idea ’ow ’elpful that is?
JC I’m gettin’ an inkling, but I don’t care how helpful it is to you! As I was saying, there is no credible evidence that fluoridation is either safe or effective. The parrots are flying blind!
Dr PP (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
MP That’s right. I can’t argue with that.
JC You’ll be endin’ fluoridation then?
MP No, no… No, we need more research. The experts are just warming up.
JC WARMING UP?!?
MP They’re probably pinin’ for Mordor.
JC PINING for MORDOR?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? There’s no sheep in Mordor. And these Panglossian peacocks ’ave had more than seventy-five frigid friggin’ years to warm up! Look matey, these cryogenic critters wouldn’t warm up if you threw ’em in a six thousand degrees Celsius pit of molten metal. They wouldn’t warm up if you threw ’em in a six thousand six hundred degrees Celsius pit of molten magma. They wouldn’t warm up if you threw ’em in a six thousand six hundred and sixty six degrees Celsius pit of molten Mordor. These wingwaving weasels aren’t just nippy, they’re bleedin’ permafrost!
MP Sheep, orcs, what’s the difference? Any’ow, there’s plenty of sheep ’ere. Otherwise I’d be out o’ business, I mean office. And you can ’ardly blame the New Zealand Blues for not wanting to get hot and bothered with excessive research. It’s eternal winter on the glaciers in the Land of the Long White Cloud.
JC What would it take to change your mind, then?
MP What’s it worth?
JC What d’you mean “What’s it worth?”.
MP Are you about to pull a brown paper bag from your hat? Nudge nudge wink wink.
JC I’m not wearing a hat.
MP Is that a brown paper bag up your sleeve? Nudge nudge wink wink saynomore.
JC If it’s money you want, I don’t ’ave the kind of cash you’re looking for. If it’s coal you’re after, there’s lumps of it ’round the back. Or so I’ve heard. Would anything else change your mind?
MP (pause) If the CDC gave the word, that would probably do it.
JC You mean in the US?
MP I call it the HQ.
JC Do you ’ave any gaffer tape?
MP (he takes a quick peek behind the desk) Sorry guv, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, I mean office, and uh, we’re right out of gaffer tape.
JC (leans over the desk, opens the top drawer, and takes out a roll of gaffer tape)
MP Uh, what are you doing?
Dr PP (flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
JC A public service. Watch and learn. (he wraps the roll of gaffer tape around the fluoridation parrot, covering the mouth and beak and going around the back of the head)
Do you ’ave any more gaffer tape?
MP (he takes a quick peek behind the desk) Sorry guv, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, I mean office, and uh, we’re right out o’ gaffer tape.
JC (leans over the desk and takes a second roll of gaffer tape from the top drawer, which is wrapped around the fluoridation parrot’s body, pinning its wings) Safe and effective! The US, eh? Very well.
The citizen leaves.
The citizen enters another office.
This is the US?
CDC OHD supremo Eh?… Oh, yes, yes it is. The greatest country on Earth! (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
JC I wish to complain about fluoridation, CDC Oral Health Division Kingpin.
CDC OHD supremo Fluoridation is one of the 10 great public health achievements of the 20th century. (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
JC So what would it take for you to bin it?
CDC OHD supremo We are binning it. It’s toxic waste. What else are we supposed to do with it? (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
JC You know what I meant. What would it take for the fluoride waste to be disposed of properly?
CDC OHD supremo You’d have to drag me flapping and screeching into the 21st century. (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
JC So what are the chances of that?
CDC OHD supremo No chance at all. You can speak to my Siamese twin brother at the ADA if it makes you feel better. (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
The citizen leaves.
The citizen enters another office.
JC What would it take for you to bin fluoridation, American Dental Association Big Cheese?
ADA supremo (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
JC You must know as well as I do that it’s neither safe nor effective.
ADA supremo (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
JC Do you ’ave any gaffer tape?
ADA supremo (flapping his arms) Safe and effective!
(citizen leans over the desk and opens the top drawer, but it is full of birdseed, so he leaves)
JC (to the ADA supremo’s secretary) All I could get out of Polly was “safe and effective” and the odd squawk.
ADA supremo’s secretary He’s one of the experts who say “Safe and effective!”. Do you have a shrubbery?
JC (pause) No shrubbery, sorry, I’m a man… in this sketch. Is there anyone else I can speak to?
ADA supremo’s secretary Have you tried the EPA?
The citizen leaves.
The citizen enters another office.
JC The 12 member committee which produced the 2006 National Research Council report Fluoride in Drinking Water: A Scientific Review of EPA’s Standards unanimously recommended that EPA’s maximum contaminant level goal of 4 mg/L be lowered because it don’t protect against adverse health effects. What’ve you been doin’ since then?
EPA supremo Goddammit, not another fluoridation fighter with the facts! Do you know what would happen if we did our jobs properly and reduced the maximum contaminant level goal to zero? The politicians, the CDC, the dental industry, the phosphate industry and the sugar lobby would all be on my back. I’d be in a world of shit. Now F off or I’ll call the cops!
JC Well, FU2, subzero IQ HQ!… BLOODY YANKEE BASTARDS!
The citizen leaves.
The citizen enters the first politician’s office, along with a group of about 20 fellow citizens and a camera. They are wearing wetsuits. The fluoridation parrot is still there, sans gaffer tape.
’Ello again pollies.
MP Been engaging in some watersport, ’ave we?
JC What’s that in the future tense, then?
MP You’ll be engagin’ in some watersport, will you?
JC Correct. Say seed.
(the group of citizens take buckets of fluoridated water from behind their backs and throw them over the politician and the fluoridation parrot, and the first citizen takes a photo)
Consider that a topical fluoride treatment.
MP It’s wasted on Harold. The New Zealand Blues don’t have any teeth.
JC You’ll have to pay for it any’ow, like we’ve ’ad to pay for the fluoridation treatment what we don’t like. The dentition don’t enter into it.
MP (he takes a quick peek behind the desk) Sorry guv, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, I mean office, and uh, we’re right out o’ cash. (pause) No I’m sorry, I’m not prepared to accommodate this line of inquiry any longer as I think this sketch is becoming the silliest and longest thing in the world.
JC Don’t be silly, nothin’s sillier or more interminable than fluoridation.
MP You’ve got me there.
Dr PP (stamping foot and flapping its wings) Safe and effective!
